reasons to keep on living:
– friends and family who love you
– museums
– travel
– sunrise and sunsets
– books
i feel so hopeless and this battle with depression is too tiring. some days CBT just does not work and i am so tempted to end it all. i need to press on and find reason to keep going on.
*****
had a talk with eddie and realised that i am in an emotional hole because of the alcohol which interfered with the meds. things will look better when i am in a better emotional state.
broke up with Bear last night. felt heavy weight lifted off my shoulders.
though i’m naturally sad (we’ve shared so many happy memories together), i do feel somewhat relieved.
met up with the cantab folks for drinks and it was good catching up. got me thinking again about what i want to do. i’m essentially working with a clean slate here and i can do anything i want. what do i want to do??
following the sense of calmness i had about marriage, i started having fears and concerns again after spending time with Bear over Chinese New Year. i started when he didn’t know the meaning of certain words and i started to panic. my intellectual mind took over and i felt a sense of dread at having to explain everything to him. almost triggered a depressive episode but thank God i recovered after a long rest…..
one night i just blurted how to Bear how i truly felt. i know i crushed his spirit but at least he knows how i honestly feel and where i stand on the matter.
As I was in church today (first service for 2012), I felt so so glad to be back in the house of the Lord. So glad I am able to worship and praise him and I praised him with all my strength and all my might.
As I sang and worshiped, I felt a heavy presence on me and the impression “this year, prepare for your wedding”. I stopped singing and just closed my eyes, listening and receiving in my spirit.
Lord, is this in response to my prayer the night before? I prayed for answers to these questions.
1. Lord, is Bear the person I am to marry? The person You have specially chosen as my life partner?
2. If he is, then how to I overcome the hesitation and reservation about marrying him?
3. How do I approach wise Christian leaders who can counsel me.
Lord, as I listening to the ‘impression’, I asked for a clear sign from you. For me ‘listening’ is not my strong point as I sometimes am not sure if I am hearing clearly from You. I asked for a verse or a vision and Ephesians 3:20-21 came to mind.
“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.”
This verse spoke to me because I am judging with my intellectual mind based on concerns about compatibility. To me, this marital union will be less than perfect, a ‘settling’ of 2nd best. But God is a good God and if this comes from Him (i.e. His will), then He is able to do immeasurably more than I ask or imagine. Marriage to this person will bring about great blessing, and produce a lasting, strong & blessed union, a fulfilled life that is immeasurably more than all I can ask or imagine in a life partner.
Then I also tried to visualise the 10m walk (the walk down the aisle towards the altar) which had previously filled my heart with dread and trepidation. This time, the vision/image in my head became peaceful and radiant. I could see myself walking down the aisle towards the Lord (altar), eyes looking forward and not towards my groom. I could sense God’s divine pleasure, the confirmation of His will and manifold blessings. I could see details in that image, the dress I am wearing, the bright sunshine through the glass streaming from the altar. The people filling both pews of the church.
I became greedy and asked the Lord for one more thing: deep abiding peace. I asked specifically for the ‘peace of God’ of Philippians 4:7.
“And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
As I meditate on each word of the verse, peace which specifically comes from God, transcends (goes beyond, over and above) my limited reasoning/understanding. And this peace will serve as a guard/sentinel, standing watch to keep my heart and my mind rooted & anchored in Christ Jesus.
Then I asked the Lord what about the daily thoughts in my head during my most recent depression where I was certain I could NEVER see myself marrying this person. What are those thoughts? The answer came: “lies”.
I asked the Lord further, what about the time at the retreat when I felt the impression that ‘he is your husband’ on another person who is not Bear. Did I hear wrongly? But the impression was so strong and similar to what I felt today. I asked the Lord to please help me understand the meaning of what I heard.
I also need wise Christian counsel. I asked that the Lord send Godly people into my life at this juncture to speak words of wisdom at this critical time.
thank you Lord that i have finally recovered! i am finally able to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living!
the perceptible difference was yesterday (Sunday) when E titi came home for the weekend and we went for a Korean dinner. it was the first time i had left the house in 2 weeks. it was also the first time i laughed and smiled in two months.
today, i managed to drive to the park and feed the fishes with mum. was also able to complete a few personal tasks.
feel so so thankful to God that i have recovered. thank you Father! i am able to think clearly, face the world without fear and anxiety, take on the challenges of living.
i think the main difference between a depressed and non-depressed state is the ability to cope. when depressed, even breathing becomes too difficult. a simple task like cutting my nails becomes too strenuous. the only way to exist is to completely obliterate consciousness. in a non-depressed state, the pressures of life become manageable. the stresses of life can be faced with courage and boldness.
Psa 27:13-14
I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.
i feel that Psalm 116 speaks to much to me right now, like the words right out of my heart:
Psa 116
Psa 116:1 I love the LORD, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy.
Psa 116:2 Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live.
Psa 116:3 The cords of death entangled me, the anguish of the grave came upon me; I was overcome by trouble and sorrow.
Psa 116:4 Then I called on the name of the LORD: “O LORD, save me!”
Psa 116:5 The LORD is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion.
Psa 116:6 The LORD protects the simplehearted; when I was in great need, he saved me.
Psa 116:7 Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the LORD has been good to you.
Psa 116:8 For you, O LORD, have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling,
Psa 116:9 that I may walk before the LORD in the land of the living.
Psa 116:10 I believed; therefore I said, “I am greatly afflicted.”
Psa 116: 11 And in my dismay I said, “All men are liars.”
Psa 116:12 How can I repay the LORD for all his goodness to me?
Psa 116:13 I will lift up the cup of salvation and call on the name of the LORD.
Psa 116:14 I will fulfill my vows to the LORD in the presence of all his people.
Psa 116:15 Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his saints.
Psa 116:16 O LORD, truly I am your servant; I am your servant, the son of your maidservant ; you have freed me from my chains.
Psa 116:17 I will sacrifice a thank offering to you and call on the name of the LORD.
Psa 116:18 I will fulfill my vows to the LORD in the presence of all his people,
Psa 116:19 in the courts of the house of the LORD–in your midst, O Jerusalem. Praise the LORD.
O God, I feel like dying…. My sleep cycle is all wrecked up…. Sleeping in the day and staying awake at night. Have a massive headache now and it’s 2.23 am in the morning.
I haven’t left the house in weeks…. just can’t muster enough energy to leave the house.
All I can do is eat, sleep, watch tv and shower. That’s about it.
Low level depression that takes longer to heal. Lord, I am sick. Please heal me I pray.
Oh Lord, I feel scared that this recovery is not forthcoming… I feel trepidation and anxiety.
So tired of sleeping already.
Forgive me for my lack of faith. Help me not fail you O Lord. Forgive me Father for not having firmer trust in You and Your Word.
In Search Of My Voice... 