gradual recovery

continuing from yesterday, feeling a bit better. experiencing greater clarity of the mind, but the clarity comes and goes. still sleeping a lot as well. recovery seems very slow.

not 100% back to normal yet. still find some tasks daunting and too overwhelming. but at least the three most difficult tasks of the day – lunch, dinner and shower – are not as difficult as before.

am starting to seek out social interaction and starting to open up again. contacted P and S on whatsapp today.

starting to seek out productive things to occupy the mind. even typing the entry to this post gives a sense of productivity.

neverthelssbut sense of nervousness remains.

in addition to clarity of mind, experiencing increased energy levels as well.

waiting till Friday for my next appointment with Dr. Lee. What medication will he prescribe this time?

must not be impatient to recover. must allow body and mind to take it’s course. there is so much that i want to do but i must not be impatient and shortchange the recovery process.

suddenly feel empty and nervous. will something bad happen? how will i fill my time? how will i fill my time? what will happen when i am better?

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Dear Father 3Jan2012

Oh Lord, I feel scared that this recovery is not forthcoming… I feel trepidation and anxiety.

So tired of sleeping already.

Forgive me for my lack of faith. Help me not fail you O Lord. Forgive me Father for not having firmer trust in You and Your Word.

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light begins to dawn

Am slowly beginning to see light after spending almost 2 months in the darkest of hell, falling headlong into a bottomless abyss of despair and desperation.

Recovery seems tentative…. Dare I be hopeful of a recovery?

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post-nap feelings and more…

woke up feeling so much worse than before… woke up feeling ill-tempered and angry. need grace & mercy to make it through rest of the day. parents coming up to visit. not necessary really. nothing they can do.

feel so angry feel like harming myself. so frustrated medicine not working. so frustrated and angry with everything. sick and tired of everything, sick of being sick, sick of the repeated episodes, sick of the drama, sick of the repetition, sick of the ups and downs, sick of the negative thoughts, sick of the hours and days wasted, sick of the madness, sick of seeing the doctor, sick of taking medication, sick of the chaos in  the brain, sick of the pretending, sick of the…

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darkest before dawn

they say it is darkest just before dawn…

well, this is about as dark as it gets…. need to hang on until things look up… they eventually do.

i don’t know what’s wrong but i can’t seem to get anything done. the simplest task stresses me out. why aren’t the meds working this time? i have the mental clarity but the emotional lethargy remains… what’s wrong?

hang on to His Word:

Psalm 119:50
My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.

John 10:10
“The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have [it] more abundantly.

1Peter 1:6-7
In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your faith, [being] much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ,

Psalm 40:1-2
I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.

Psalm 5:11
But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you.

Psalm 59:16-17
But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble. O my Strength, I sing praise to you; you, O God, are my fortress, my loving God.

O Lord, in my state, Your Words seem to ‘mock’ me. A voice within asks “where is Your God? Is this the abundant life He promised?”. But Lord, I choose to hold fast to Your Word. You have proven Yourself faithful time and time again. I need to push back thoughts of suicide and self-harm. I need to fight off thoughts of hopelessness and despair and replace them with meditations of Your Word.

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battling boredom…

now that i have regained mental clarity, i now battle boredom. what do i do with my time?

i can’t watch dramas all day… i can’t surf the net all day… i can’t read all day. at least i am thankful that i don’t have any social engagements today. social commitments take so much out of me. wish i could escape all of them.

heck, even KS has a more productive day that i. i need to think of something to do to occupy my time.

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why am i doing this course?

have reached a point in my course where i ask myself why i’m doing this…

have lost interest and the passion behind why i signed up in the first place. i don’t see myself working with kids in the long term? how come? why? you were so passionate about it in the first place!

i’ve invested so much of my time and funds and now i ask this question?!

i’m more than midway through… i just have to persevere on to finish it!

Lord, what do i do now?? feel so demoralised and discouraged…

am i starting to lose interest  because i feel the mental clarity returning and i can see myself going back to banking/consulting/research? if i don’t have the perseverance and mental stamina, i too will lose interest in my 9-to-5 job.

if i can do anything in the world, what would it be? i don’t know!

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