having a time-out in my relationship with Bear since last monday 23 aug. i’ve asked that he not sms or call or visit me. felt so stifled and suffocated i needed a time to be alone with my thoughts to reassess our relationship. relaised i have not been honest about how i feel. have not listened to my heart & muffled my true feelings. need to think if i can still continue with this relationship.
for the first time in a long long time i feel free and relieved. yet i feel empty inside… like something is missing. on one hand, i relish being single and free again. yet i feel hollow… like before i met Bear, where even if i dropped out of earth tomorrow it will not matter. like i have nothing to live for.
- missed my time alone, my personal time to think, reflect, be alone in general
- missed making decisions and scheduling appointments without consulting anyone
- missed my autonomy
- missed my privacy
- missed my independence, my ability to just up and go
- in summary, missed my freedom wrt to (i) time, (ii) information (iii) making plans
as the days pass, i feel more and more able to see my future without Bear.
issues i grapple with/what i don’t like about Bear:
- not ready for marriage. feel pressured
- worried i’ll be trapped and stuck
- wake up thinking “i can’t marry him”
- at times not interested in his stories about work & cell
- do not like his neediness and dependence when he is ill
- he is not my type
- he has no friends
- hate it when he talks loudly in cantonese like an uncouth labourer
- thinks and speaks very slowly
- keep talking about things he wants to buy over and over again. enough already. stop talking about it. buy it and then shut up.
- boring. nothing interesting to say or contribute.
- has nothing to say to bro, same thing all the time: cars, property
- lame jokes
- don’t like it when he speaks on my behalf
- tiptoeing with my words like walking on eggshells. can’t speak what i think or feel less i hurt his feeelings. why can’t i be direct and forthright?
- i sometimes make myself say the right thing e.g. big hug when i feel like telling him to bugger off, so i don’t hurt his feelings. too tired and emotionally draining to have an argument
- hate it when he says “i’m upset” and expects me to do something about it
- sometimes cringe or feel annoyed when i see it’s him calling on the phone and my heart sinks. don’t even like the ringtone now. associate it with stress and anxiety
- feel a sense of relief when i imagine life without him as a single person. so free and lighthearted.
- need time alone to recharge. miss being single and free.
- don’t like it when he stares indiscreetly. curious about magic shows and product demonstrations.
- don’t like it when he carries his bag in an uncool way
- he doesn’t read and it frustrates me sometimes when i have to explain everything
- he doesn’t speak or write in grammatically correct sentences
- physically unattractive at times. especially when his belly protrudes out and when falls asleep at the hairdressers
what i like about him:
- sweet, gentle, understanding, loving
- kind, thoughtful, considerate
- supportive, encouraging
- feel comfortable with him
- big generous heart
- apologises when he is wrong
- socially adept
- forgives easily, holds to grudges
- accepting of my illness
- not critical
- understands me
- has sense of humour
why should i give this relationship a chance?
- from God. we both prayed before starting our relationship.
- last chance. in 30s. no one better will come along. i’d better settle. RUBBISH, i’d rather be single than be with the wrong person. no shame of being single & alone.
- fear of loneliness.
- fear of turning into a dried up, bitter and weird old maid. RUBBISH! nothing wrong with being single and aging gracefully.
why should i just walk away?
- need to listen to my heart. be alone or be with someone more compatible.
i now have to pray and seek God. i have to ask myself honestly, can i continue on with this relationship? despite everything, do i still want to be with Bear?