what happened??

having a time-out in my relationship with Bear since last monday 23 aug. i’ve asked that he not sms or call or visit me. felt so stifled and suffocated i needed a time to be alone with my thoughts to reassess our relationship. relaised i have not been honest about how i feel. have not listened to my heart & muffled my true feelings. need to think if i can still continue with this relationship.

for the first time in a long long time i feel free and relieved. yet i feel empty inside… like something is missing. on one hand, i relish being single and free again. yet i feel hollow… like before i met Bear, where even if i dropped out of earth tomorrow it  will not matter. like i have nothing to live for.

realised in this time i realised missed the following:

  • missed my time alone, my personal time to think, reflect, be alone in general
  • missed making decisions and scheduling appointments without consulting anyone
  • missed my autonomy
  • missed my privacy
  • missed my independence, my ability to just up and go
  • in summary, missed my freedom wrt to (i) time, (ii) information (iii) making plans

as the days pass, i feel more and more able to see my future without Bear.

issues i grapple with/what i don’t like about Bear:

  • not ready for marriage. feel pressured
  • worried i’ll be trapped and stuck
  • wake up thinking “i can’t marry him”
  • at times not interested in his stories about work & cell 
  • do not like his neediness and dependence when he is ill
  • he is not my type
  • he has no friends
  • hate it when he talks loudly in cantonese like an uncouth labourer
  • thinks and speaks very slowly
  • keep talking about things he wants to buy over and over again. enough already. stop talking about it. buy it and then shut up.
  • boring. nothing interesting to say or contribute.
  • has nothing to say to bro, same thing all the time: cars, property
  • lame jokes
  • don’t like it when he speaks on my behalf
  • tiptoeing with my words like walking on eggshells. can’t speak what i think or feel less i hurt his feeelings. why can’t i be direct and forthright?
  • i sometimes make myself say the right thing e.g. big hug when i feel like telling him to bugger off, so i don’t hurt his feelings. too tired and emotionally draining to have an argument
  • hate it when he says “i’m upset” and expects me to do something about it
  • sometimes cringe or feel annoyed when i see it’s him calling on the phone and my heart sinks. don’t even like the ringtone now. associate it with stress and anxiety
  • feel a sense of relief when i imagine life without him as a single person. so free and lighthearted.
  • need time alone to recharge. miss being single and free.
  • don’t like it when he stares indiscreetly. curious about magic shows and product demonstrations.
  • don’t like it when he carries his bag in an uncool way
  • he doesn’t read and it frustrates me sometimes when i have to explain everything
  • he doesn’t speak or write in grammatically correct sentences
  • physically unattractive at times. especially when his belly protrudes out and when falls asleep at the hairdressers

what i like about him:

  • sweet, gentle, understanding, loving
  • kind, thoughtful, considerate
  • supportive, encouraging
  • godly
  • feel comfortable with him
  • big generous heart
  • apologises when he is wrong
  • socially adept
  • forgives easily, holds to grudges
  • accepting of my illness
  • patient
  • not critical
  • understands me
  • has sense of humour

why should i give this relationship a chance?

  • from God. we both prayed before starting our relationship.
  • last chance. in 30s. no one better will come along. i’d better settle. RUBBISH, i’d rather be single than be with the wrong person. no shame of being single & alone.
  • fear of loneliness.
  • fear of turning into a dried up, bitter and weird old maid. RUBBISH! nothing wrong with being single and aging gracefully.

why should i just walk away?

  • stifling
  • need to listen to my heart. be alone or be with someone more compatible.

i now have to pray and seek God. i have to ask myself honestly, can i continue on with this relationship? despite everything, do i still want to be with Bear?

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