Dear Father 20Nov09

dear Lord,

darling & I had our first argument last night. i am still hurt by what happened and iam trying to understand why i feel hurt even though we have forgiven each other and resolved the matter…

our argument was about keeping the secrets of others. i didn’t wish to tell him the details of what his cell member shared with me during our prayer and sharing session at cell on wed because i felt i had to keep the trust of what she shared with me. but he felt rejected that i would not be able to share the secret with him and hold back something from him. he didn’t share the same principle and if it were him, he would tell me because he’s very close to me. essentially, it was just a difference in principles.
 
and throughout our phone conversation, he was trying to tell me how he felt and i was trying to analyse the problem and find a solution.hahaha…he was being the ‘girl’ and i was being the ‘guy’. he was using his heart to communicate and i was using my head. hence the conflict and both parties not feeling understood.
 
but we’ve resolved it, forgiven each other and have made up, and darling has apologised several times and told me he loved me regardless of our differences. in fact, when we had a time out period where we agreed to take time to think before calling each other again, he still texted me to say he loved me despite our disagreement.
 
but i don’t know why i still feel hurt. i think it’s because of my childhood experience and how i equated anger = parents didn’t love me. hence i have always had difficulty with people being upset or angry with me.

we’ve decided that i will keep to my principles i.e. whatever others share with me unless, i will not share with him, they give me permission to. however, i will keep the fact to myself that i am not sharing something with him. i.e. i won’t say “XX told me something, but i can’t tell you”. that way, he won’t feel rejected and he won’t feel that i don’t trust him. a pretty good solution/compromise i think.
 
i am still trying to analyse and understand why i feel hurt (it’s the head again). maybe it’s because it’s our first argument. maybe it’s because he raised his voice when making a point, maybe because it marks the end of our honeymoon period? i really don’t know. still thinking….
  
parents were overly strict with me as a child, and every time i was disciplined, i only felt their anger but never understood the reason behind the caning or scolding. i never felt that they loved me despite what i did. in essence i didn’t feel unconditional love. so i had to perform in school in my studies, i had to be perfect at home, to ‘earn’ their love. hence, on a deep subconscious level, i equated anger = didn’t do something right = no approval = no love. at the end of the day, it’s a deep-seated issue i have to face and resolve someday.

Lord, please help me …..

*****

Lord, after darling told me that he wasn’t angry with me, he was just upset and he is now no longer upset, i suddenly feel this burden lifted off my shoulders. i no longer feel so down and so hurt. Lord, i feel i have issues which i will ultimately need to deal with… 😦

 

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