musings 15May07

i can feel my career slipping away from me…..i know why they have not replied. they finally do not know what to do with me. are they hoping that i will resign? the thing is, i don’t really care anymore. i don’t give a damn about my career now. am quite sick and tired of corporate banking. sick and tired of idiotic bosses who will only harass you for deals. sick and tired of meeting client demands. i am the lucky few who have family members and financial means to support these. 1 in 5 zimbabweans are unemployed and here i am, throwing a well-paying dream job away. i must be nuts. but then again, i am nuts.

Lord, should i increase the dosage of my effexor? i have been depressed for more than a month now. i feel i am slightly better, then i get worse again.

Lord, i am so confused. what do i do?

i know there are others who are worse off than i. and i need to stop wallowing in self-pity. but being in a state of depression doesn’t help. i can’t think through it. i just can’t.

i have real doubts about homeopathy medication and i don’t think it will work.

i need to stop wallowing in self-pity. there are many others who are blind, deaf, dumb, lost a limb, lost all their fortune, lost a love one, terminally ill, traumatised by war, raped, abandoned, addicted to drugs, unloved. i need to be strong and courageous. i need to pray. i need to read the word. i need to do so many things. but all i can do is eat, sleep and watch tv. i am too tired to do anything. maybe i should go walking with patt and lisa this weekend. i am so weak. all i can think about is dressing up and going clubbing. what is wrong with me? what am i trying to make up for? look around you and see how much you have to be thankful for. what is wrong with you?

sometimes, i think i am mentally ill. is that a cop out? to blame my problems on my illness and not on me? oh lord, what have i done? what is this verbal outpouring about? it’s gibberish. i can’t reason properly.

i am so tired lord, what do i do? i am really sick aren’t i?

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