one night i just blurted how to Bear how i truly felt. i know i crushed his spirit but at least he knows how i honestly feel and where i stand on the matter.

Filed under: Uncategorized ]]> http://insearchofmyvoice.wordpress.com/2012/01/28/about-turn/feed/ 0 insearchofmyvoice http://insearchofmyvoice.wordpress.com/2012/01/22/impending-nuptials/ http://insearchofmyvoice.wordpress.com/2012/01/22/impending-nuptials/#comments Sat, 21 Jan 2012 17:06:58 +0000 insearchofmyvoice http://insearchofmyvoice.wordpress.com/?p=633 Continue reading →]]> As I was in church today (first service for 2012), I felt so so glad to be back in the house of the Lord. So glad I am able to worship and praise him and I praised him with all my strength and all my might.

As I sang and worshiped, I felt a heavy presence on me and the impression “this year, prepare for your wedding”. I stopped singing and just closed my eyes, listening and receiving in my spirit.

Lord, is this in response to my prayer the night before? I prayed for answers to these questions.

1. Lord, is Bear the person I am to marry? The person You have specially chosen as my life partner?

2. If he is, then how to I overcome the hesitation and reservation about marrying him?

3. How do I approach wise Christian leaders who can counsel me.

Lord, as I listening to the ‘impression’, I asked for a clear sign from you. For me ‘listening’ is not my strong point as I sometimes am not sure if I am hearing clearly from You. I asked for a verse or a vision and Ephesians 3:20-21 came to mind.

“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.”

This verse spoke to me because I am judging with my intellectual mind based on concerns about compatibility. To me, this marital union will be less than perfect, a ‘settling’ of 2nd best. But God is a good God and if this comes from Him (i.e. His will), then He is able to do immeasurably more than I ask or imagine. Marriage to this person will bring about great blessing, and produce a lasting, strong & blessed union, a fulfilled life that is immeasurably more than all I can ask or imagine in a life partner.

Then I also tried to visualise the 10m walk (the walk down the aisle towards the altar) which had previously filled my heart with dread and trepidation. This time, the vision/image in my head became peaceful and radiant. I could see myself walking down the aisle towards the Lord (altar), eyes looking forward and not towards my groom. I could sense God’s divine pleasure,  the confirmation of His will and manifold blessings. I could see details in that image, the dress I am wearing, the bright sunshine through the glass streaming from the altar. The people filling both pews of the church.

I became greedy and asked the Lord for one more thing: deep abiding peace. I asked specifically for the ‘peace of God’ of Philippians 4:7.

“And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

As I meditate on each word of the verse, peace which specifically comes from God, transcends (goes beyond, over and above) my limited reasoning/understanding. And this peace will serve as a guard/sentinel, standing watch to keep my heart and my mind rooted & anchored in Christ Jesus.

Then I asked the Lord what about the daily thoughts in my head during my most recent depression where I was certain I could NEVER see myself marrying this person. What are those thoughts? The answer came: “lies”.

I asked the Lord further, what about the time at the retreat when I felt the impression that ‘he is your husband’ on another person who is not Bear. Did I hear wrongly? But the impression was so strong and similar to what I felt today. I asked the Lord to please help me understand the meaning of what I heard.

I also need wise Christian counsel. I asked that the Lord send Godly people into my life at this juncture to speak words of wisdom at this critical time.

the perceptible difference was yesterday (Sunday) when E titi came home for the weekend and we went for a Korean dinner. it was the first time i had left the house in 2 weeks. it was also the first time i laughed and smiled in two months.

today, i managed to drive to the park and feed the fishes with mum. was also able to complete a few personal tasks.

feel so so thankful to God that i have recovered. thank you Father! i am able to think clearly, face the world without fear and anxiety, take on the challenges of living.

i think the main difference between a depressed and non-depressed state is the ability to cope. when depressed, even breathing becomes too difficult. a simple task like cutting my nails becomes too strenuous. the only way to exist is to completely obliterate consciousness. in a non-depressed state, the pressures of life become manageable. the stresses of life can be faced with courage and boldness.

Psa 27:13-14

I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.

i feel that Psalm 116 speaks to much to  me right now, like the words right out of my heart:

Psa 116

Psa 116:1 I love the LORD, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy.

Psa 116:2 Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live.

Psa 116:3 The cords of death entangled me, the anguish of the grave came upon me; I was overcome by trouble and sorrow.

Psa 116:4 Then I called on the name of the LORD: “O LORD, save me!”

Psa 116:5 The LORD is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion.

Psa 116:6 The LORD protects the simplehearted; when I was in great need, he saved me.

Psa 116:7 Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the LORD has been good to you.

Psa 116:8 For you, O LORD, have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling,

Psa 116:9 that I may walk before the LORD in the land of the living.

Psa 116:10 I believed; therefore I said, “I am greatly afflicted.”

Psa 116: 11 And in my dismay I said, “All men are liars.”

Psa 116:12 How can I repay the LORD for all his goodness to me?

Psa 116:13 I will lift up the cup of salvation and call on the name of the LORD.

Psa 116:14 I will fulfill my vows to the LORD in the presence of all his people.

Psa 116:15 Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his saints.

Psa 116:16 O LORD, truly I am your servant; I am your servant, the son of your maidservant ; you have freed me from my chains.

Psa 116:17 I will sacrifice a thank offering to you and call on the name of the LORD.

Psa 116:18 I will fulfill my vows to the LORD in the presence of all his people,

Psa 116:19 in the courts of the house of the LORD–in your midst, O Jerusalem. Praise the LORD.

I haven’t left the house in weeks…. just can’t muster enough energy to leave the house.

All I can do is eat, sleep, watch tv and shower. That’s about it.

Low level depression that takes longer to heal. Lord, I am sick. Please heal me I pray.

not 100% back to normal yet. still find some tasks daunting and too overwhelming. but at least the three most difficult tasks of the day – lunch, dinner and shower – are not as difficult as before.

am starting to seek out social interaction and starting to open up again. contacted P and S on whatsapp today.

starting to seek out productive things to occupy the mind. even typing the entry to this post gives a sense of productivity.

neverthelssbut sense of nervousness remains.

in addition to clarity of mind, experiencing increased energy levels as well.

waiting till Friday for my next appointment with Dr. Lee. What medication will he prescribe this time?

must not be impatient to recover. must allow body and mind to take it’s course. there is so much that i want to do but i must not be impatient and shortchange the recovery process.

suddenly feel empty and nervous. will something bad happen? how will i fill my time? how will i fill my time? what will happen when i am better?

Filed under: depression related ]]> http://insearchofmyvoice.wordpress.com/2012/01/04/gradual-recovery/feed/ 0 insearchofmyvoice http://insearchofmyvoice.wordpress.com/2012/01/03/611/ http://insearchofmyvoice.wordpress.com/2012/01/03/611/#comments Mon, 02 Jan 2012 19:14:33 +0000 insearchofmyvoice https://insearchofmyvoice.wordpress.com/?p=611 Continue reading →]]> Oh Lord, I feel scared that this recovery is not forthcoming… I feel trepidation and anxiety.

So tired of sleeping already.

Forgive me for my lack of faith. Help me not fail you O Lord. Forgive me Father for not having firmer trust in You and Your Word.

Recovery seems tentative…. Dare I be hopeful of a recovery?

feel so angry feel like harming myself. so frustrated medicine not working. so frustrated and angry with everything. sick and tired of everything, sick of being sick, sick of the repeated episodes, sick of the drama, sick of the repetition, sick of the ups and downs, sick of the negative thoughts, sick of the hours and days wasted, sick of the madness, sick of seeing the doctor, sick of taking medication, sick of the chaos in  the brain, sick of the pretending, sick of the…

well, this is about as dark as it gets…. need to hang on until things look up… they eventually do.

i don’t know what’s wrong but i can’t seem to get anything done. the simplest task stresses me out. why aren’t the meds working this time? i have the mental clarity but the emotional lethargy remains… what’s wrong?

hang on to His Word:

Psalm 119:50
My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.

John 10:10
“The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have [it] more abundantly.

1Peter 1:6-7
In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your faith, [being] much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ,

Psalm 40:1-2
I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.

Psalm 5:11
But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you.

Psalm 59:16-17
But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble. O my Strength, I sing praise to you; you, O God, are my fortress, my loving God.

O Lord, in my state, Your Words seem to ‘mock’ me. A voice within asks “where is Your God? Is this the abundant life He promised?”. But Lord, I choose to hold fast to Your Word. You have proven Yourself faithful time and time again. I need to push back thoughts of suicide and self-harm. I need to fight off thoughts of hopelessness and despair and replace them with meditations of Your Word.

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